Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
