I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
