I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
