I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm passing your future prison.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
