His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
