next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
