Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
