at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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