just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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