I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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