Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
