Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
false alarm, still single
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
