I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I need to align my fucking chakras
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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