omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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