on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
