He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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