Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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