alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
