Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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