Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
