my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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