It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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