you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
