She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
