My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
