god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
