EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
