I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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