omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
