Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
