last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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