I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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