I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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