i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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