Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
