I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
