So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
