I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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