They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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