I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
