My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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