Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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