Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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