Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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