I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
