My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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