dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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