if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
