When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
