I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
third nipple confirmed
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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