Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
