She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
