he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
