The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
