Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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