yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
