The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
