oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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