What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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