Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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