If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Randomize
