I just cut my nipple shaving
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
